Walnut Creek, CA: During a recent complicated and difficult mediation I was attempting to explain to one of the parties how much he had to gain from offering to his soon to be ex-wife what he thought was far too great a concession. From my neutral perspective I could see that if he gave up totally on what were important, but not critical, points of contention, he might experience a breakthrough in negotiations that would ultimately secure his most important goals in the divorce.
I was struggling to make my point and then I remembered the cogent words of the ancient Chinese General Sun Tzu. Sun Tzu is widely recognized as the author of the timeless work, The Art of War. A brilliant philosophy for managing conflict and purposely influencing events published sometime around the second century before the Common Era.
Quoting from General Sun’s masterpiece:
“Build your opponent a golden bridge to retreat across.”
Everyone involved in negotiation would do well to embrace this philosophy. You must make it easy and attractive for your “opponent” to take the steps you want them to take.
You must also keep in mind that this is no ordinary bridge you are building, it is a golden bridge. Gold is expensive. It has value to everyone. This means that there is sacrifice involved in its construction and there is value to the recipient. Overall, even though the bridge is made of gold, and very valuable to you, it is better to give it to the other side to use and avoid war. To put it another way, in a negotiation you may be providing the other side something they treasure in order to achieve your ultimate goal. Victory without battle.
Mediation, like so many things in life, is a negotiation. It is unrealistic and immature to expect to always get what you want in a negotiation without giving something in return. Learn from the classic master of strategy and tactics in how to effectively manage confrontation and pave the way to peace by showing your “opponent” a very attractive escape route that also achieves your goals.
David D. Stein has been an attorney for over 20 years and is the founder of Liaise® Mediated Solutions. He is a trained mediator, dispute resolution specialist and lecturer on non-violent conflict management techniques and tools.
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If you are really considering starting divorce proceedings then it is essential that you are well prepared before actually commencing them. By doing this it will make the whole process go a lot more smoothly and cause you less stress and pain as well. Also be well prepared will ensure that you can make more sound and informed decisions about your future life. When it comes to getting divorced there are many pitfalls associated with the whole process but if you keep the following divorce tips for women in mind, you will be able to cope with any eventuality.
ReplyDeleteThe first that you should be doing when it comes to thinking about filing for divorce is to get together all essential paperwork. You need to get together everything relating to your and your partner since you have been married. So arrange to collect details of all bank accounts, credit cards, investments and mortgage details along with any other asset or debts that you have both as a couple and as individuals. Finally if you can also make sure that you have information relating to your last 3 years tax returns, along with information relating to your what your employment situation is and what your salary is if you are working.
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